From the Bottom Looking Up . . . Wondering What Now . . .

I live on skid row in Los Angeles California.  I don’t sleep on the streets and for that I’m thankful.  However, I was told by someone that I couldn’t get any lower than I am right now . . . which is wrong . . . but I can understand why they feel that way.  I am technically “homeless” although the shelter I stay in right now provides me a single room with a bed (which I am so grateful for). I don’t work because I’m disabled, but I don’t receive anything for my disability . . . I have to fight for it.  So, my income right now is $0  . . . even though I applied for general relief last week, which will be a little over $200 when and if I receive it (I still have my car and that may be a problem).  Oh, but I do have food stamps and family support. . . thank God! 

On most days I wake up feeling weak and fatigued while being in some type of pain. I’m used to it by now, but still frustrated because sometimes I don’t know the source . . . is it the Lupus, 23cm long fibroid tumor in my body, anemia, high blood pressure or is it from all the medications I’m taking?  I guess I’ll have to learn that I’ll never have an answer that is certain.

Those are my challenges.  I wake up everyday wondering if things will change, if I’ll ever have the strength I did before.  The only reason I am NOT suicidal is because I’m a Christian.  All of my hope is tied up in Jesus, ALL of it.  If it wasn’t for him I would be much more than depressed . . . trust me on that one.  However, I haven’t been able to “hang with” all of my Christian friends because they only seem to focus on “my healing.”  They don’t understand why I’m not . . . believe me I KNOW God is able to work miracles and I am waiting on mine . . . but if I spend every waking moment focusing on my healing, it will make me feel defeated because right now I’m not.  Then I will begin to focus on that . . . “Why haven’t you healed me Lord?  Where is my miracle?”  Then I will begin to focus on my shortcomings  . . . “I’m not healed because I don’t have enough faith . . . something is wrong with me . . . with my Christianity . . . I’m not good enough. . .“ believe me the negative thoughts will flow and flow, going from logical to ridiculous. 

The reason I’m homeless is because I lost everything after becoming disabled.  Understand I lived with Lupus for years without knowing it, then suddenly BAM!!!  I caught a fever, the Lupus went crazy and attacked my body . . . I ended up in the hospital intensive care for 10 days (but was there for 12) after having surgery on my heart and lungs.  I heard the doctor tell my brother, “she’s not out of the woods yet” when I was on my hospital bed breathing though a tube.  I felt death staking its claim, but I lived.  I lived but life changed as I learned my body couldn’t do things like it did before . . . even simple things like cooking, cleaning and shopping.  My hands became weak and I would get spasms of chest pains even when trying to do something simple like push a grocery cart.  I often feel betrayed by my body and want my “years” back.  I want to be my age again because I had so many plans for my life . . . I’m not young, but I still had years of plans.  Now, I take life day by day.

I do have to say my family is very supportive, but when I receive offers to stay with them I realize it’s probably a good idea only for a short amount of time.  My condition is long term, so I need long term solutions.  Imagine staying with family and then something happens . . . someone becomes frustrated . . . “all she does is sleep all day.”  Things become unacceptable and then . . . I’m homeless again.  No, I don’t think they would ever “throw me out of their home,” but who wants to live with the tension? I am dealing with depression right now and I’m not very motivated or happy.  I am different than I was before . . . I just don’t think my family could really deal with my challenges without it adding too much stress in their lives.  I love and don’t want to put them through that “long term.” 

Trust me . . . a shelter can handle my isolation and depression . . . they have a program for everything!  A shelter isn’t the “worse place on earth to live at” like everyone thinks because they look for long term solutions and housing programs.  They keep you busy without you noticing, connecting you with community resources that actually help.  There are others here I can relate to that help me not to feel so isolated and alone.  Now, some shelters are better than others and I’m blessed to be in an excellent shelter program designed specifically for those with illness.  The place I stay has 24 hour nurses available and I see a doctor once a week.  I was referred by the hospital which foots a portion of the bill.  Don’t think I’m crazy, but staying in the shelter is actually giving me hope I didn’t have before.  When if first left the hospital I did stay with family and I felt so alone with my problems.  I tried to find resources to help, but all I found were closed doors.  Shelters have keys to those doors. 

I want to start this blog really as a way for me to vent.  I plan to post at least once a week . . . but really I can’t make that promise because some weeks my concentration to write is better than others.  I’m really going to try hard to do so . . . even if I have to write in small pieces . . . I’ve learned to break big things into smaller tasks now.  It helps.